From what I understand, most, if not all, of these tales first appeared on Marvel.com's Digital Comics Unlimited.
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MARVEL ASSISTANT-SIZED SPECTACULAR #1 [June 2009]
Framing Sequence: "Assisted Living"
Writer: Chris Eliopoulos
Artist: Jacob Chabot
Cast:
Lauren Sankovitch
Jordan D. White
Tom Brennan
Alejandro Arbona
Daniel Ketchum
Nathan "Nate" Cosby
Doctor Doom
Other characters:
Joe Quesada
Tom Breevort
Four other Editors
Background cameos:
Howard the Duck
Mole Man
Ant Man
Spider-Man
Thor
Fing Fang Foom
The Ultimate Nullifier
Irving Forbush
Rocket Racer
Night Thrasher
Summary: Six Assistant Editors, kicked out of a pitch meeting while the regular editors have lunch, come together in a bathroom to brainstorm their own pitch meeting. Jim Shooter-esque in tallness Alejandro pitches the D-Man story (pages 1-2). Then the spearheader of the meeting, longest Marvel employee, and sole female, Lauren, offers up her American Eagle tale (page 12). Then football-obsessed Nathan, to nobody's surprise, suggests a Mini Marvels tale (page 22). Finally, before the so-white-he's-nearly-invisible Tom can suggest a story, it's time for Tom Breevort's afternoon constitutional, which sends the Assistants fleeing before he poops out another "Civil War". They regroup in the service elevator, unaware that Doctor Doom is watching, maliciously awaiting their ideas (page 32).
Continuity notes: Intentionally humorous, non-canon, so there ya go.
---------
Story 1: D-Man: "Slum City Warriors"
Writer: Brian Patchett
Artist: Xurxo G. Penalta
Cast:
DEMOLITION MAN/DENNIS DUNPHY (also in FB)
Other characters:
Bailey (also in FB)
Kucynski (also in FB)
Dinunzio (also in FB)
Leuchter (also in FB)
Aguilar, unnamed private, and some other soldiers including a C.O.
Various insurgents
Summary: On a tour of duty in Slum City, Baghdad, former D-Man Dennis Dunphy, is revealed to be a former super-hero to four of his fellow soldiers. They convince him to train them to be heroes as well, going out under cover of night to take down various insurgents. Their fellow soldiers are mystified and intrigued by superheroes finally getting involved in Iraq. But the Commanding Officer calls in D-Man, revealing to him these mystery men cost the military a three month sting operation and put the nephew of the new speaker of the council in the hospital. Threatned with court-martials to his partners if the CO ever finds out he's involved, D-Man breaks the news to his teammates. They can no longer be superheroes, since he can't protect them from the consequences. Eventually, the routine returns to normal, but secretly, Dennis sneaks out after lights-out, costuming up as D-Man again, finally giving in to the inner superhero he'd been denying.
Flashback: Earlier that day, following their Humvee getting hit by a roadside bomb, D-Man springs to action using his powers to rip open the metal and get his men to safety.
Continuity notes: It's mentioned a few times that Captain America is dead. The CO mentions that D-Man's team are "illegal superhumans".
Goofs: There's a calendar on the wall which has about 9 days a week on it.
Page 3-6: In their barracks, the four soldiers, all bandaged to varying degrees, confront fellow soldier Dennis Dunphy. Bailey recognizes him as D-Man, and he's persuaded to help them become masked vigilantes like he was.
Page 4-5 (double page spread) panels 1-2, 4, 6: Earlier that day, D-Man saves his four fellow soldiers when their vehicle is bombed.
Page 7 panels 1-2: D-Man trains with Dinunzio. Bandages on all soldiers are absent from here on out, so this is likely a different day.
Page 7 panel 3: At a base store, Bailey jokingly tries some cones on his ears to make his hearing superhuman, which D-Man shoots down due to brain proximity. This could be a different day
Page 7 panels 4-6: Night, full moon. In their room, Dinunzio (considering the name "The Human Shield") shows Kucynski his concept drawings for their hero attire. D-Man is outside, talking aloud to Captain America in spirit, wondering if he can do as good a job with these kids as he did with him.
Page 7 panels 7-8: Day. The troops scope out a house that appears to have its own power source to it.
Page 8: That night, D-Man and his makeshift costumed teammates take on the insurgents in the house, taking them down successfully.
Pge 9 panels 1-3: Same night, Aguilar and an unnamed Private hear a noise, finding the eight insurgents tied up nearby.
Page 9 panels 4-5: At the mess hall on what must be a different day, soldiers mention how "almost ever night, the past couple weeks" someones have been cleaning up Slum City. Who's behind it (be it Iranian Ninjas or Super-Heroes) is wondered. D-Man and his team listen in while eating, smiling to themselves.
Page 10: A different day, perhaps? D-Man gets warned by his C.O. about the court martial implications to what these "vigilantes" are doing. Once back in the barracks, D-Man tells his team they must stop what they've been doing.
Page 11 panel 1: Day, sometime later. D-Man rides along with his troops, they give him a cold shoulder, one joking he's "I.E.D Man".
Page 11 panel 2: Day, all the troops are lined up at attention.
Page 11 panel 3: Night, D-Man's in bed when light's out is called.
Page 11 panel 4-6: Under a full moon, D-Man hops over the fence and in costume, prowls the streets of Slum City.
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Story 2: American Eagle in: "Just A Little Old Fashioned Justice"
Writer: Jason Aaron
Art: Richard Isanove
Cast:
AMERICAN EAGLE III/JASON STRONGBOW (also in FB)
TWO-GUN KID/MATTHEW J. LIEBOWICZ/"MATT HAWK"/"CLAY HARDER" (FB only)
JOHNNY COOL/JOHN HASHIMOTO (FB only)
KOMODO II/MELATI KUSUMA (FB only)
COTTONMOUTH II/QUINCY MCIVER (also in FB)
Other characters:
Female officer named Kerry (knows Eagle)
Unnamed male officer
Susie Palmer (girl Cottonmouth kidnaps)
Summary: Cottonmouth, having robbed a bank in Phoenix, has been chased by the Desert Stars to the Navajo reservation. But they're turned away when the villain kidnaps Susie Palmer and kills her dogs, since Navajo nation has its own super-hero: the now-costumeless American Eagle. He shows up on the world's quietest motorcycle, says little, has a bad attitude to the Desert Stars, wanders off into the desert, and uses... his powers? No, he uses some traditional Native American techniques to track down Cottonmouth, who's threatening to eat the girl unless his demands are met. Eagle reminds Susie of what he told her to do when some boy bullies her, and she quickly kicks Cottonmouth in his cotton balls. Eagle then punches Cottonmouth in his Cotton Mouth, and instead of putting him in prison, forces him to dig up some makeshift graves for the dogs he killed using his mouth, out in the hot, hot desert. More chores for him on the way, and no beer, neither!
Flashback: Most of the story is told in FB, as explained below. The "current" stuff is American Eagle forcing Cottonmouth to dig the dogs' graves.
Continuity notes: The Initiative team, the Desert Stars, appear (three members, at least). The framing sequence lead in says American Eagle is "leaping out of the pages of Thunderbolts", which could imply this is post his appearance there.
Stupid moment: Eagle tells the Desert Stars to tell Tony Stark to kiss his ass. Wow, what originality! A hero who doesn't like the whole Initative thing and hates Iron Man? Let's give him his own book, we don't have enough of these trite cliches littering the stand at the moment!
Page 13: Just a generic image of Eagle with Cottonmouth behind him that Isanove is 'homaging' from a Dark Tower comic cover image.
Page 14: Dusk. American Eagle leads the tied-up Cottonmouth through the desert until he finds a good place to bury the dogs.
Page 15-20: FLASHBACK to "four hour earlier". Daytime throughout. The Desert Stars have arrived at a gas station, I believe, on Navajo Nation. Two cops have found the dead dogs of Susie Palmer. Two-Gun Kid tells them they're following Cottonmouth, but the team is turned away by American Eagle, who sets off to find the girl solo. Eventually in the desert, he finds her, and with help from the girl, Cottonmouth is defeated.
Page 21: Eagle drinks beer as Cottonmouth finishes the first grave, and won't share any with him as he plans more chores for him to do using his big mouth.
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Story 3: "Hawkeye and the Curse of the Crimson Crown"
Written and Illustrated by: Chris Giarrusso
Cast:
Mini-Marvels Hawkeye
Mini-Marvels Doctor Strange
Mini-Marvels Iron Man
Mini-Marvels Wasp
Mini-Marvels Giant Man
Mini-Marvels Quicksilver
Mini-Marvels Scarlet Witch
Mini-Marvels Thor
Mini-Marvels Captain America
Mini-Marvels Archeology Jackson (controlled by Mini-Marvels Crimson King)
Summary: It's a Mini-Marvels tale. It's non-canon. Unless, of course, the MCP plans on adding "Earth Giarrusso" sometime. This is reportedly the final Mini-Marvels tale, since Marvel likes their new Super Hero Squad better.
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MARVEL ASSISTANT-SIZED SPECTACULAR #2 [June 2009]
Framing Sequence: "Big Assist"
Writer: Chris Eliopoulos
Artist: Jacob Chabot
Cast:
Lauren Sankovitch
Jordan D. White
Tom Brennan
Alejandro Arbona
Daniel Ketchum
Nathan "Nate" Cosby
Doctor Doom
Other character:
Joe Quesada
Summary: Now in the freight elevator, the six assistant editors for Marvel resume their own little pitch meeting. Tom gets patriotically dressed and introduces his Luke Cage story idea (pages 1-2). Jordan, who's dressed up as a different Marvel hero every page in the past two issues, now shows up dressed as Galactus to introduce his Galacta tale (page 12). And finally, Daniel cuts the lights and brings up a flashlight to reveal his Elsa Bloodstone story (page 22). Suddenly, Doctor Doom enters the elevator, reveals he's told all of their ideas to his all-powerful leader, who just happens to be crown-wearing EIC Joe Quesada. He likes them, and plans to publish the stories and claim all the credit for it. Lauren offers reverse psychology concerning an online poll to decide which tale gets another chapter, and Joe steals that, too. The six assistants high five, having successfully gotten a pitch through. (Page 32)
Flashback: Two panels recapping what we already know about the set-up of what the heck the six are doing.
Continuity notes: Non-canon, since everyone knows Doom stopped working for Marvel when Harass was canned.
Goofs: Tom was already starting on his story last issue, but starts over from scratch for no reason here. Six editors and they can't even stay consistent!
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Story 1: "Citizen Cage: Political Power Man"
Writer: Wyatt Cenac
Artist: Todd Nauck
Cast:
CAGE, LUKE/CARL LUCAS
JONES, JESSICA (nee CAMBELL)
CAGE, DANI
LONE SHARK/LENNY SIRKES
IRON FIST/DANIEL RAND (FB only)
CONSTRICTOR/FRANK PAYNE/"FRANK SCHLICTING"
(FB only)
Other characters:
Ed Salazar (community organizer and former Mayor's speechwriter)
Sal (grocery store worker)
Jeff Jeffers (current Brooklyn "beep")
Summary: Ed Salazar approaches Luke Cage while he's grocery shopping with his wife and kid, about running for Brooklyn Borough President, or "beep". It seems the current beep is up for reelection and is running unopposed, and he's supposedly your typical evil white businessman. After turning down the offer to run, Luke discovers something that makes him reconsider: his favorite cuban sandwich shop is closed and will soon be replaced by a Sub-Stop! But he quickly envisions the problems with running for office, how his Civil War issues, his criminal past, his short temper, and various supervillains would make it difficult. Suddenly, a green shark-like monster guy calling himself Lone Shark attacks a nearby school. Luke defeats him, and runs into Jeff Jeffers, the current beep, who uses the scene for a photo op. Luke becomes suspicious, and with Jessica and Ed, inspects the damaged school. Seems Jeff was awful quick to claim the school would have to be demolished, it could easily be repaired. The three sneak into Jeffers' campagin HQ, and find a cell phone which links Lone Shark to Jeffers. Luke reveals the connection while Jeffers is on stage at a fund raiser. Seems Lone Shark is actually Jeffers' campagin coordinatior, who has been damaging certain building so Jeff can use the excuse to rebuild in their place with things like sports arenas and shopping centers. Jeffers is ousted, but Luke still doesn't want to run for the position, encouraging Ed to do so instead.
Flashback: A ghostly FB vision Cage has of his younger Power Man self, eating a sandwich at Infante's with Iron Fist, while they have Constrictor tied up by his own coils behind them, and Mr Infante stands nearby. I don't know where it would be placed, but obviously way back in the old days!
Continuity notes: This Luke's day off. Dani's, uhh, still a baby who doesn't talk whatsoever. It's sometime after Civil War. Jessica mentions Luke "led the Avengers" past tense, but it might mean nothing.
Page 3: Shot of the Luke Cage poster Ed has come up with. In the middle is a generic folded-armed Luke standing there. Upper left has an image of a young Like riding a bicycle while an older woman looks on. Upper right has a generic pose of Iron Fist and classic Power Man with some knocked out bad guys nearby in some debris. Bottom left has modern Cage beating up a Cyclops-visored Skrull in front of a tattered American flag. Since this is merely a publicity mock-up, I don't think it's canon.
Page 4-9 panel 2: On Luke's day off, he's grocery shopping with Jessica, while baby Dani is in one of those babybjorn things on his chest. Ed shows him the poster and tells him about the beep situation. Like turns it down, and while walking home discussing it with his wife, notices Infante's is now closed. Soon nearby he hears Lone Shark attacking the school, hands off Dani to Jessica and defeats the monster guy. Jeff Jeffers shows up for a photo op. Day becomes night during the course of the scene.
Page 5 panel 5: A ghostly FB vision Cage has of his younger Power Man self, eating a sandwich at Infante's with Iron Fist, while they have Constrictor tied up by his own coils behind them, and Mr Infante stands nearby.
Page 6 panel 2: Generic Civil War shot of Cage in a tattered black shirt, clashing with Iron Man.
Page 6 panel 3: Imaginary issue of "The DB" dated Wednesday, July 16, 2009. On the cover is classic Power Man punching at the camera, with the headline "Hero for LIAR! CAGE Company Owes IRS".
Page 6 panel 4: Imaginary shot of Jeff Jeffers angering Cage during a debate by bringing up his convictions to the point Cage smashes the podium.
Page 6 panel 5: Imaginary shot of Cage clashing with the Rhino while wearing an armless suit and tie, as a Jackie O-attired Jessica stands prepared nearby.
Page 9 panel 3: That same night, Luke & Jessica see Jeffers on the news discussing the school attack.
Page 9 panel 4 to page 10: Most likely that same night, Luke, Jessica and Ed inspect the school, then break into campagin HQ for Jeffers, finding the cell phone of Lone Shark.
Page 11: At the fund raiser, Luke exposes Lone Shark's connection to Jeffers. As Jeffers is led away, Luke suggests Ed try out for beep. Luke and Jessica head off together, under what appears to be the dawning morning. It seems like the whole issue takes place over maybe one day.
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Story 2: "Galacta [or, 'The World-Eater's Daughter']"
Words: Adam Warren
Art: Hector Sevilla Lujan [aka Elsevilla]
Cast:
GALACTA/GALI (also in FB)
GALACTUS/GALAN
Other characters:
A waitress
The 12 in isolation
Tapeworm Cosmic
Summary: Gali is seemingly a normal young adult female. But she's actually Galacta, the daughter of Galactus, living on Earth in a Power-Cosmic Drag form. She seems to like our planet (and loves Twitter way the hell too much), but is always hungry. To the point she only uses her technology and food cravings to wipe out things that are a threat to the world's "biomass" (or humans). She eats up some Skrull virus in some people in a hospital. Later, while watching TV, she can't stop herself from seeing everyone on it as potential food. Suspecting something is amiss, Galacta turns her equipment on herself and discovers she has a disease waveform that predates the universe. A "tapeworm cosmic" that is increasing her appetite and increasing her metabolism and burning up her Power Cosmic and such. So despite her dislike of her father and his ways, she has no choice but to contact him to seek help in ridding herself of the tapeworm.
Flashback: Two weeks ago, Galacta is in the Earth's Outer Core, where she finds some Thermophile Lithometallovores that are native to a Kree moon. Now weaponized, they'll eventually destroy our planet if left unchecked. So she uses her devices to convert them into edible foodstuffs.
Continuity notes: The virus in the isolation 12 is said by Gali to be of a bacterium "native to the large-scale infestation of Skrulls recently plaguing this world". So this is post-Secret Invasion.
Follow Galacta on twitter (no, really): https://twitter.com/Gali_girl
Page 13 panel 1: Twitter entry for Gali_girl, dated "about 6 hours ago from mobile web". Basic set-up about her food obsession and daddy issues.
Page 13 panels 2-5: While sitting in an outdoor cafe, Gali uses her mobile phone to update her twitter. She then orders food, but holds back, wanting on a mineral water.
Page 14 panel 1: Twitter entry. "about 5 hours ago from mobile web". She stresses how she only dines on "exotic cuisine".
Page 14 panels 2-6 to page 17 panel 4: In a hospital isolation ward, using her power cosmic to avoid anyone seeing her, Galacta whips out her eating devices and converts the Skrull virus into a meal.
Page 17 panel 5: Twitter entry. "about 4 hours ago from mobile web". While snacking, she brings up her last real pig-out two weeks ago.
Page 17 panel 6 to page 18: FB to 2 weeks ago. Earth's Outer Molten Core. Galacta finds those Kree creatures feasting on the planet, and eats 'em.
Page 19-page 20 panel 1: Galacta floats above our planet in costume. Then, in Gali form, sits at home watching TV, hungering for everyone she sees.
Page 20 panel 2: Twitter, "about 2 hours ago from web". She mentions the old "don't go to a supermarket" hungry adage in reference to her perpetual hunger.
Page 20 panels 3 & 4 to page 21 panel 5: Galacta uses her equipment to inspect her stomach. There she finds the Tapeworm Cosmic. She's then forced to contact Galactus, who appears on a view screen.
Page 21 panel 6: Twitter, "about 1 minute ago from web". Forced to beg daddy for help, she wonders if he'll come through for him now, and says "TO BE CONTINUED! I hope."
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Story 4: Elsa Bloodstone, Monster Hunter in "Daddy's Little Girl"
Writer: Chris Yost
Penciler: Joh James
Inker: Victor Olazaba
Cast:
BLOODSTONE, ELSA (also in FB)
BLOODSTONE, ULYSSES (FB only)
Other characters:
Prague people plagued (some die)
Goram (FB only)
Children of Goram (all die)
Summary: Elsa Bloodstone has tracked a snake monster to Prague. It breeds by biting. It's been breeding quite a bit, and Elsa finds herself knocked up, in fact, while at a hospital. Luckily, her Bloodstone powers cause her to have a vomit-based miscarriage. Recovering in the nick of time to help save some of the people in the hospital, Elsa kills the half-snake Children of Goram. Internally, she laments the fact her father left this legacy to her, and vows never to have kids, and thus will not stop until she kills all monsters.
Flashbacks: Ulysses Bloodstone as a caveman seeing the Bloodstone falling from the sky, then approaching it after it crashes.
Ulysses Bloodstone, in his standard costume, years later, fighting a giant green monster with lots of sharp teeth, shooting it in the eye. I suspect this is Goram.
Ulysses Bloodstone, in costume, killing a bunch of human sized, evil-eyed creatures in the dark. Maybe these are earlier Children of Goram?
Ulysses Bloodstone, in a fairly modern nursery, picking up baby Elsa and cradling her.
Continuity notes: Elsa's in her Nextwave costume. That's pretty much it.
Page 23 panels 1-2: FB "ten thousand years ago", caveman Ulysses Bloodstone witnesses the falling of the Bloodstone from the sky, then approaches it.
Page 23 panel 3: FB Some time later, Ulysses, in his action attire, faces what I presume is Goram, shooting it in the eye with his shotgun.
Page 23 panel 4: FB Ulysses' smoking bones, with the Bloodstone shining amid.
Page 24-31: Elsa's in Prague, in a Hospital, lies on the floor after having been bit by one of the Children of Goram she chased there. As the survivors around her are trying to fight the creatures off, Elsa's powers kick in, she pukes up her Goram-baby, stomps it, and goes on a Children of Goram killing spree.
Page 28 panel 2 & 4, page 29 panel 2: FB of Ulysses fighting some monsters. Perhaps it's the same period as his fighting of Goram earlier.
Page 30 panels 1 & 3: FB to when Elsa is a baby, being held in her modern-esque nursery by Ulysses.
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Supposedly, there was a poll on Marvel.com to vote on which story should get a continuation. I have no idea which one won. Somehow I suspect the winner won't sell very well one way or another!
DEMOLITION MAN/DENNIS DUNPHY
...
[after various CW related appearances?]
**M/ASS 1/1-FB
**M/ASS 1/1
AMERICAN EAGLE III/JASON STRONGBOW
...
[after Thunderbolts appearances]
**M/ASS 1/2-FB
**M/ASS 1/2
TWO-GUN KID/MATTHEW J. LIEBOWICZ/"MATT HAWK"/"CLAY HARDER"
...
[after recent Initiative appearances]
**M/ASS 1/2-FB
JOHNNY COOL/JOHN HASHIMOTO
...
[after recent Initiative appearances]
**M/ASS 1/2-FB
KOMODO II/MELATI KUSUMA
...
[after recent Initiative appearances]
**M/ASS 1/2-FB
COTTONMOUTH II/QUINCY MCIVER
...
[after whatever recent appearances]
**M/ASS 1/2-FB
**M/ASS 1/2
CAGE, LUKE/CARL LUCAS
**M/ASS 2/1-FB
...
[after all the Civil War stuff and maybe the SI stuff?]
**M/ASS
2/1
JONES, JESSICA (nee CAMBELL)
...
[after all the Civil War stuff and maybe the SI stuff?]
**M/ASS
2/1
CAGE, DANI
...
[after all the Civil War stuff and maybe the SI stuff?]
**M/ASS
2/1
**LONE SHARK/LENNY SIRKES
M/ASS
2/1
IRON FIST/DANIEL RAND
...
**M/ASS 2/1-FB
...
CONSTRICTOR/FRANK PAYNE/"FRANK SCHLICTING"
...
**M/ASS 2/1-FB
...
**GALACTA/GALI
M/ASS
2/2-FB
M/ASS
2/2
GALACTUS/GALAN
...
[after all the current Annihilation stuff?]
**M/ASS
2/2
BLOODSTONE, ELSA
**M/ASS
2/3-FB
BLOODSTONE 1
...
[Nextwave and such]
**M/ASS 2/3
BLOODSTONE, ULYSSES
...
M/U 7
M/:LG 2
**M/ASS
2/3-FB ?
{M/PRS 1}
M/PRS 2
...
Marvel Assistant-Sized Spectacular #1 & 2
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